Mind the closing doors...

Delays. Suspensions. Strike. Leaf on the track. All things that us regular tube users dread to hear amongst other things when making that tumultuous journey to our desired locations. It’s plain to see that the tube does make life easier when trying to get from A to B in a hurry, but when the snarling headlights on the front carriage decide to bite back, boy do they bite back. But I’m not focusing on the actual service that we receive from London Underground, instead I want to look at all the things that take place in the labyrinth that is hundreds of feet beneath us and the various everyday experiences that many people face.

I have to admit that when I am on the tube I am a people watcher, not in a pervy rain-mac behind the bushes sort of way, but someone who likes to observe all the different characters and personalities that spring on and off like crickets on speed. You can’t help but notice all the little things that people do and often find yourself conversing with your own mind about what you just saw (or maybe that’s just me).

One of the defining moments of any persons tube journey is the decision to offer your seat to someone else. Now, giving a seat to an elderly, disabled or sick person is a given, there should be no qualms about that. But, the real test is when you are faced with the nemesis that is a woman – not just any woman – but the woman you have to decide is either pregnant or who has just enjoyed a good pie...or two. We’ve all been there, you are sat down and the swooshing sound of the doors opening is followed by a figure that comes and stands right in front of you, you take a glance left and right and realise there are no seats. And then you look straight ahead and you comprehend what should happen next. The way I look at it is that if you are going to get up you do it quick time, because the moment you hesitate you are drawn into a stand-off that could turn ugly. It’s not easy trying to define whether or not this woman is pregnant, but one thing for sure is that if you lock eyes with her you are now working towards a pistols at dawn scenario. You start twiddling your thumbs, you keep looking towards the stomach and still you are none the wiser, why can’t she just have one of those ‘baby on board’ badges?? And then comes the look, the look when your eyes meet and you know it’s now or never.

Scenario A, you stand up and you get a warm glowing smile and thank you from the pregnant lady. Scenario B, you stand up and you get a look of abhorrence and loathing from the lady who simply enjoyed the lunch time meal deal. Scenario C, you stay seated and get the look of contempt that shows how inconsiderate you are towards a standing pregnant lady. Scenario D, she’s not pregnant and you have just shown that you are an advocator of people in all shapes and forms. Or Scenario E, you close your eyes and pretend you are half way to la la land with all your sheep in tow. Sometimes it can be pretty straight forward and obvious, but the days when it is not are the days when your tube journey can turn into a bit of kerfuffle.

You begin to recognise and pick out more and more personalities the more time you spend on the tube. One of my stand out characters is the one or two (sometimes more) who decide that even amongst the madness and chaos of rush hour they need to open up their newspaper and have a read. Despite perching on a strangers shoulder and being pressed up against the glass like a monkey trying to escape from the zoo, they decide to read the double page special on the lost dog that found its own way home. So what happens if they don’t read the paper? Will they step off the carriage to find that all life has come to a standstill and they are now in some kind of quantum leap? A few minutes without the paper won’t hurt, especially for the person who gets elbowed in the face every time a page turn is required.

Another one of my favourites is the person who touches in with their Oyster card at the barrier only to receive the dreaded ‘seek assistance’ message. So what do they decide to do? They touch in again. The same result - the bright red bleeping message. Maybe they think that the more times you touch in the machine will eventually think “sod it, let them through”. Maybe they realise there is now a queue of people building up behind them and they don’t want to look like they are trying to blag a free ride so they keep on trying. Step aside and ‘seek assistance’!

Also, why do people decide they want to sprawl themselves across the whole width of the escalator? It clearly says stand on the right but it’s as if they think to themselves they could be starting some kind of rebellion by standing on the left or just bang in the middle. When you approach one of these characters and imply that you would like to walk down they look at you as if you have just trampled all over their lovely Sunday picnic – some people have homes and jobs to get to you know!

Finally, the people who decide they want to impersonate a camel and come on with a hump – sorry I mean an enormous rucksack – which they refuse to take off their back. They stand there oblivious to the fact that they are taking up space that someone else could benefit from. Why not take it off and rest it by your feet? Am I the only one who feels a slight temptation to tip these people over and watch them struggle to get back on their feet?

So there we have it, my take on the tube. I’m sure you can probably think of lots more characters and instances that occur on a daily basis, but for me these ones really take the biscuit! With the Olympics now round the corner it will be interesting to see how the network copes – and more so what new scenarios it brings with it...whatever happens, one thing for sure is that the tube never fails to get you thinking.